What's so great about neurotic white girls? Well, nothing really--except I realized they constitute over seventy percent of the protagonists of all the stories I've ever written, or plot ideas I've ever had. Without even referencing anything at all, off the top of my head I can name several characters who fit this description: Chloe (Chloe & Artemis), Jacqueline ( << Pro_Digal >> ), Diane (Unknown Soldier), Michelle (Breaking Violet November), Alexandra (Alexandra), Emily (Chloe and Artemis), Cassie/Wossername (Holding to Saviors), Erin (Erinyes Sagan)...

It's a fixation--a very specific fixation--of mine, a character type I relentlessly return to in order to tell my stories. There's something compelling about girls with mental or emotional disorders to me, and I'd just like to write this as an attempt to decipher what it is that makes this character a recurring theme in my work. I'll make it an ordered list of possibilities.

1. Prevalent In My Source of Inspiration
Some say we re a product of our environments, I couldn't agree more. Music is such a powerful and emotional source of inspiration for me, and I lean on it heavily to find the motivation and mood for particular stories and plots. My favorite genre of music is emo and complaint rock, and you don't have to go far to find descriptions like: "Are you where your thoughts should be? So beautiful, and only twenty-three." or, "And then there's Vanessa, her life got so messed up...she just can't get along." or, "Caroline, let me wipe away your tears and give you life...make you feel beautiful again." or, "You sit there in your heartache, waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways." or even, "My nightgown is tangled above my hips. I went to sleep with panties on and I smell blood. My breast turns are exposed and sore. One of them has bite marks." Dang. When those are the kinds of lyrics in the songs that get heavy rotation in my library, it's not at all surprising to me that characters exhibiting these traits and rooted in corresponding personalities begin to appear: heartbroken, selfish, narrow-minded, overly emotional, insecure, abused, and disturbed. But, of course, on a trajectory to redemption if I have anything to say about it. This segways nicely into my next possibility...

2. Emotional Fantasy
Let's take the classic model of the princess trapped in the castle guarded by a fearsome dragon, waiting to be rescued by a knight in shining armor. As a young male, there's something exciting and empowering about being that knight--you want to be bold, strong, confident, pierce the fortifications and slay the despotic beast holding the princess against her will. You want to empower her by asserting your power, your confidence, and autonomy. While all of that sounds like a silly child's dream, it isn't hard to see how that idea evolved in me from youth and matured into a realistic emotional, intellectual, and even sexual image: a girl enslaved by her emotions, or a crippling addiction, or a selfishness and hatred bred by traumatic experiences. The knight dissolves into the everyman, the John Q whose life just happens to intersect with that of this broken, fragile, but somehow beautiful creature. He decides for whatever reason not to reject her as all else have. He wants to be her fortress, her strong tower and guide her from despair to happiness. Feminists may sneer, but I find it intensely romantic and beautiful, something I would like to have happen to me, and thus I write about it. That is, if the fantasy is as pure as I imagine it.

3. Psychosexual Fantasy
The less glamorous side of this is the simple fact that, in guiding someone who is initially disenfranchised and somehow disabled, you exert control over them. They are fragile, and it's your job to keep them from breaking. In return, they cling to you first out of neediness (but hopefully that grows into a loveliness). Having that much power over someone, to be uncomfortably honest, is intensely gratifying and even erotic. The "captive damsel" fantasy tends to manifest itself literally and almost exclusively in my sexual psyche, so it's not unreasonable to posit that this would filter up subconsciously into my writing and portrayal of some female characters. Is that misogynistic? I'm not sure, but the blank fact is that it happens regardless. If it is, I think (I hope) this is counterbalanced by the fact these girls usually have much more to teach and impart to the rest of the cast than apparent at face value. From their internal captivity comes a discourse and complexity that empowers them. But maybe it's just because...

4. I'm An Insecure Dick
I like to be the best at what I do. I like to feel like I'm better than others--at least, some others in some regard. Solution: create characters that pander to this deficiency, who are so horribly messed up you can not only be better than them, but teach them how to be as awesome as you. That way, you don't have to focus on where you fall short and where you should be improving. It makes so much sense! At least on paper, which is where all these stories take place, so no one can contradict me. Innocent, strong guys help troubled girls. Who need to be needed. If all of that read as shockingly as it felt to type it, good. I hope it's not as true as it sounds. So finally, we come to...

5. Personal Experience/Vicarious Exercise
I have personal experience with mood disorders--yes, I am a bit neurotic myself. It left me a long trail of emotional difficulties I really wanted to get out, and the best place to do it was and is in writing. But my masculinity wouldn't let me forge guys who sat around crying all the time and wanted to talk about their feelings. But the problem is, I am a guy who isn't afraid of crying, being emotional, or talking about my feelings. What do I do? Hooray for gender stereotyping, because there are girl characters for that. Before the feminist brigade appears in full force, let me also suggest why the "real me" is dressed up as a woman: I can be more honest. When I can channel my real thoughts and feelings into a character that looks nothing like me, there's no risk of a reader possibly tracing the path back to me directly. If I made a guy character in this fashion, they might immediately get pegged as an author avatar and shameless wish fulfillment, and not be taken seriously as a character. But there's just enough different with girls that I can form a new personality and set of behaviors to make them much more than puppets while still effectively communicating what I would really like to say, relating my life experiences through them, and distilling my thoughts into something both extremely poignant and truthful. I know what it's like to struggle with depression, suicide, addiction, obsession, selfishness, and a whole slew of other things. Without characters like Chloe, those complicated experiences may never have found a voice.



In closing, I'm quite pleased with this little analysis. While there are probably good motivations and ignoble ones alike that fuel my exploration of this character, I feel a lot better now that I've written this out. I know at a few points, I regarded their instability as generally bad. Sometimes, though, I'm not so sure. When I reread the words of Chloe, or Michelle, or even Cassie after I've had a good writing session, I see something beyond their character flaws. This is why I make them the protagonists: I feel these insecurities, these deficiencies, make them almost more noble than the "normal" characters. Their passionate expression, emotional sensitivity, disregard for consequence, and willingness to take chances make them superheroes. They have nothing else to lose, no betrayal unfelt, no sin uncommitted, and no cliffs too tall to dive from. That excitement gives them a magnetism that keeps me coming back again and again--and perhaps, in going to the bottom, in their insanity, there are some things they know better than their saviors.

But, of course, that's still something I'm trying to work out.